Keep Seeking

Illustration credit to Rachel Khor Design

Matthew 7:7 brings my memories back to May 2012 during my trip back to Malaysia to see mum who was bedridden due to her illness. I spent a week with her before coming back to England. 2 weeks later, 6th June 2012 at midnight, I received a call from her carer who relayed the sad news to me that she had died peacefully in her sleep. I couldn't cry because I was in shock and was also confused why God didn't answer my healing prayer for her. I had been praying for her for at least 7 years. My whole family flew back to Malaysia immediately the next day. I didn't shed a tear throughout the whole flight until I saw her lying peacefully in the casket. Then, I finally realised she had left us. With a heavy heart, we proceeded with her funeral within the week and dealt everything else with hurry and tumultuous emotions. I didn't get an opportunity to grieve.

When I returned to England, I did take some time to process the whole incident. I was overwhelmed with difficult thoughts, confusion and anger. I kept seeking for answers.

Since then, disappointments, personal failures, grievances and the thirst for the whole meaning of life have brought me closer to God. I kept seeking, knocking and asking Him about how is everything making sense? I thought He is suppose to answer every healing request? No, of course He doesn't need to because He is not a genie in a lamp to grant every wish. He is the creator of this whole universe and surely His wisdom and plans are more superior than mine. He knows the end from the beginning and every event down to the very second of the day is under His infinite authority. If my mum was healed with a simple prayer request within a short time, then I believe I wouldn't have comprehend the meaning of the verse because I would have taken God for granted instead of longing to know who He really is. Instead, her death had made me seek to understand His character and the truth and not visualising and distorting my views of God's existence based on my own perception or expectation. He has turned the situation into goodness. Mum is eternally healed in our Father's arms and He is gradually healing my spiritual health. I am thankful I got to spend time with her and asked her if she wanted to accept Jesus into her life 2 weeks before she left this world. God loves her equally much that He wanted her to be saved so it was His purpose that I went back 2 weeks in advanced to pop the question. This wouldn't be something I could had easily planned on my own based on my limited view and understanding as a human. I believe she has been saved by God's grace and I can confidently put this episode to a closure because I will see her again in heaven where there will be no more tears.

Continuous seeking to know deeper in the truth is so important so that whenever we face with a complex scenario, we should always pray for healing of the soul as that is the foundation of all health. It will be futile if we are physically healed but spiritually weak or dead. If we perceive that God is only good when our life is blessed with success, wealth, health, prosperity and accomplishments, we are actually degrading His divine appointment for us in achieving His greater mission on Earth. Walking with God is far more exciting and beyond those worldly hedonistic pleasures. I won't stop seeking and the more I seek, the more God is revealing how good and magnificent He is whilst everything else seems so small in comparison.